We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
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My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.