[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
You Might Also Like
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I’m aging like a fine banana
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse