amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
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Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money