Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
You Might Also Like
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?