Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
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OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I’m ready for Halloween this year
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy