Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
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Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun