Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
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No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels