Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
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If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*