I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
You Might Also Like
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Not today, today.
Not today.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
time machine? you mean a clock?
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”