An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
You Might Also Like
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed