Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
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Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ