*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
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Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.