Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
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My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
so weird how every mom was born today
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Are these grass-fed oranges?