dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
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Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Dolls on drugs
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.