if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
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Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*