transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
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At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Body by sandwich.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.