For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain