Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
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When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
This is not me but this is me
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning