My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Happy thanksgiving
All set.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.