I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
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i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”