Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.