DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
You Might Also Like
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
What the dentist sees
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.