I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?