Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
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*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.