People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
same bro
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH