Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
fourth time’s the charm
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times