the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.