[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
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I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Everyone’s family
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad