Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
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There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet