I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
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Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”