Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
You Might Also Like
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
…..pretty much.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.