My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Are we there yet?…
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN