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Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
they split up moments later
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.