I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
You Might Also Like
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
🤣dope
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!