If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.