narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
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I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Plumber: I think I found the problem
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Meat Cute
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?