6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
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Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I believe the plural is “milves.”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.