*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
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“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law