Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
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My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
How times have changed.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
put ‘er there pardner!
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.