Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
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Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.