Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I triple waxed for this?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.