You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
You Might Also Like
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Become ungovernable.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck