my friends when i can’t do basic math
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Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Finally
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.