[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”