*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
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[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Aaaa…CHOO!
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
<—- homeless romantic
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem