Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
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I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?