ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
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DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
BETRAYAL
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
so weird how every mom was born today
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.