I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
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I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.