How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
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If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.