when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
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Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
selena gomez
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
(True)
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Seems legit
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.